


I've Got To Go

by BadWolfNovak



Category: Captain Capa (Band), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Based on a Front Porch Step song, F/M, Im always sad so this is probably gunna be sad, M/M, Probably gonna add more, Stony - Freeform, Stucky - Freeform, There's a playlist for this, Winterwidow friendship, its a work in progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-08-06
Packaged: 2018-05-26 23:00:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6259156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadWolfNovak/pseuds/BadWolfNovak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky can't open up about his past. Not even to his husband Steve. Bucky's world comes crashing down because of his inability to talk. If only he had said something.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Drown

**Author's Note:**

> I'm probably going to keep adding to this. Its going to be sad because I'm not a writer who likes writing happy endings. Sorry in advance!  
> It kinda sucks right now because I was half asleep writing at 7 AM during spring break.  
> 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve's got a secret. Bucky's got to get out.

Steve and Bucky had been drifting apart and Bucky knew it. He knew it was because of the way he got defensive and isolated himself whenever the blond tried to get him open up about the past. 

Bucky had this fear in the back of his mind: Steve was cheating on him. And he knew it but he tried so hard to deny all the signs. 

They hadn't made love in months. And Bucky tried, he did, to be intimate with Steve. But the blond would always give him this soft sad smile and push him away, giving the excuse that he was tired or not in the mood.  
So when Steve began going out more and more, Bucky decided it was time to face the truth. 

Being an ex-assassin meant the soldier had no problem trailing his husband without being caught. Bucky watched as Steve, the man he loved, met with the one and only Tony Stark outside a swanky hotel. The pair shared a passionate kiss complete with some inappropriate groping before eagerly heading into the hotel. 

Bucky's heart shattered into a million pieces. He went back to their shared apartment and let everything out.

The brunet's anger came first. His fists went flying at everything in sight. The picture of them at the beach. The old one of them in the army. When he got to the frame holding their wedding picture, Bucky's tears began to flow freely. He looked down at the gold band around his finger and threw the picture to the ground to tear the stupid piece of metal off his hand. Obviously none of this meant anything to Steve, who was out fucking another guy while Bucky was home, just wanting to destroy anything that reminded him of the blond. 

Bucky made his way through the apartment, knuckles of his flesh hand bloody as he punched everything in his path, from the pictures to the walls, to the door of their bedroom. The smell of Steve lingered in their bedroom and he choked on the shallow sobs emitting from his mouth. He couldn't be here. He wouldn't be here when Steve got home. 

Bucky tore his clothes from the closet in a frenzy. He stuffed as much he could into a backpack and burned the rest. He didn't want Steve to have anything of his. Bucky wanted to disappear completely from Steve's life; he deserved that pain. After the apartment was rid of any trace of Bucky, other than the broken pictures, he called the only person he knew could help him. 

"Natasha, I need a ride," He murmured into the phone.


	2. I've Given Up On You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha seems to be the only person Bucky can trust now. But he's okay with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm going to definitely continue this fic because y'all seem to like it. Thanks for the kudos and comments!   
> Also I might use song titles as the chapter names because I'm writing in a weird way where I listen to one song only while writing each chapter.

Bucky hated airports. They were crowded, disgusting and loud; even at 3 am. He maneuvered his way to the gate, Natasha at his side.

The ride there had been silent, except for the various questions about what had happened. Natasha heard the whole story and was quietly cursing in Russian under her breath. She was more mad at Tony rather than Steve, knowing that Stark had a reputation for taking advantage of people. 

"You don't have to go with me Tasha. I'll be fine." Bucky muttered, readjusting his bag strap. Natasha slipped her arm through his and leaned against his shoulder. "Too bad. You're stuck with me all the way to Vancouver.” She teased, trying to make the soldier smile just a little.  
Her tactics worked and Bucky’s lips twisted slightly into a sad small smile.

“I love you. Tell me you love me too please, I need to hear it from someone who means it..” The brunet murmured quietly. Natasha frowned and kissed Bucky’s cheek. “I love you James. You’re one of my best friends.” She whispered, squeezing his arm gently.

The plane ride was spent mostly sleeping. Natasha had gotten them first class tickets, so they slept comfortably. Their heads close together; his dark hair mixing with her fierce red locks. She didn’t let go of him, their hands intertwined tightly. He needed the stability.


	3. Let's Get Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so short! I keep getting ahead of myself and writing chapters that are towards the end of the story. I'm too excited.   
> Also this chapter is inspired by Let's Get Lost by G-Eazy. Y'all should give it a listen.

Tony couldn’t believe he had this Adonis underneath him, begging to be fucked. Steve’s skin was flushed and his hair was a mess. His hands were gripping the sheets tightly as he cried out Tony’s name over and over. The blond’s legs were wrapped tightly around the other man’s waist, ankles crossed behind his back. Steve was always a bottom, a needy, loud slut for any dominant that was willing to have him. He let Tony take him every which way he wanted till they exhausted themselves.

The early morning lilac sky peeked through the curtains as Steve crawled out of the plush hotel bed. He stretched and began to gather his clothes. “Leaving me so soon baby?” Tony drawled, as he sat up, lighting a cigarette. He took a long drag and exhaled a cloud of smoke, watching his lover slide on his tight fitting clothes.

“You know I have to.” Steve stated, pulling on his shirt. He felt the billionaire’s arms wrap around his waist, playing with his pants zipper. “I know. I wish you didn’t. I could make you so happy, give you everything you need. Steve, I want you to be mine.” Tony murmured, planting kisses along the back of the other’s neck.

Steve sighed and turned around. He kissed Tony roughly, tangling his fingers in the dark chocolate hair on the other’s head. “I guess I could stay just a bit longer. Damn that silver tongue of yours.” He chuckled. Tony smirked and his hands already moved to undress Steve. “Oh believe me sweetheart, this tongue can do so much more than talk.” 

“Oh yeah. Why don’t you show me just what it can do.”


	4. Ripped Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam can't believe what's Steve's done. All he knows is Steve sure as hell better fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so shitty I'm sorry.  
> Chapter title is a song by This Wild Life.

“What the fucking hell is wrong with you Rogers?!" Sam shouted, pacing the blond's trashed apartment. Steve sat on the couch, clutching the picture of his wedding, crying silently. 

He had come home to a ruined apartment and went into full Captain America mode before realizing all of Bucky’s things were gone. He broke down and called Sam. Everything had come out. The affair with Tony that had been going on for 2 months, the numerous one night stands with strangers before that, and the lies, all the goddamn lies.

"I told you, you guys rushed into this marriage. I told you he was going to need time. You of all people should have known that! He is never going to be the same guy you knew back in the 40s and you're going to have to get that through your thick skull! You shouldn’t have kept pushing him to talk! He was pulled apart and put back together over and over and turned into someone he’s not. That’s not something he’s going to wanna talk about over dinner!” Sam continued yelling, his arms flailing as he tried to make his point. He sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I didn't deserve him. I-I'm so stupid.. I love him. I love him more than anything. I can’t believe I lost him again." Steve sniffled, running his fingers over Bucky’s face in the picture. A new wave of tears began pouring out of his baby blue eyes.

"Fucking right you were stupid! Maybe you didn't deserve him! Bucky gave you his heart, his trust, and his love! Love is not for children Steve. And that's what you're acting like: a child. And honestly this whole thing with Tony disgusts me. I never thought someone like you could stoop to this level." Sam shook his head, leaning against the counter, his anger slowly fading into disappointment.

“I’m sorry. I just- look, maybe you screwed up but you’re only human. A genetically enhanced human, but human nonetheless. Call him. You can’t give up on this. Besides, he’s my friend too and I can’t be choosing sides like a child whose parents are divorced.” Sam muttered, as he made his way to the front door. He looked back at Steve once more before leaving.

The fair haired super soldier sat with his face buried in his hands, surrounded by the destroyed fragments of his life.


	5. Avalanche

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky comes to the realization that something is wrong with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again this is a shitty chapter because I keep getting ahead of myself and writing chapters for the end of the story.  
> I'm a terrible writer ughh

“Oh. Wow. Tasha this place is.. _wow_.” Bucky exclaimed, staring at the sleek modern house he was walking up to. The sun wasn’t up yet, so the sky was a painting of blue and purple hues that made the house even more dazzling.

“Yeah pretty snazzy right? I got it a few years back just in case I needed to flee the U.S.” Natasha smiled as she pulled Bucky to the front door. “And now it’s yours.” She flung open the door and practically danced into the living room.

The soldier’s jaw dropped. The house was magnificent; better than anywhere he’d ever lived. He barely heard his friend talking.

“..and I also made sure you have papers to have a Canadian-American dual citizenship. I set up a bank account and got you a job interview. It’s on Monday so don’t forget! Oh! And we’re going shopping. No more of this scruffy bum look..hold on, it’s Sam.” She babbled, before answering her ringing phone. “Hi babe, yeah I know. Yeah I’m with him right now..” Natasha said as she wandered off to another part of the house, taking their luggage with her.

Bucky wandered out onto the back patio and plopped down next to the pool. He quickly rid himself of his socks and shoes, letting his bare feet dip into the cool water. He sighed at his reflection; eyes still a bit red and puffy from crying. His whole world had been upturned in only a few hours.

He tried to blame Steve in his mind, but he knew it was all his own fault. If he had just opened up about his past and talked, than Steve wouldn’t have gone to find solace in the arms of another man. The more Bucky started reminiscing the more he started to realize there was a reoccurring feeling he got. He hadn’t really considered it before but now it was all making sense.

“Do you think I’m depressed?” Bucky asked, as he saw Natasha's reflection in the water beside him. His friend sat by his side, legs crossed. “Actually James, I do. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about it which is why I also set up an appointment with a therapist. You don’t have to go but I would feel better if you did.” She murmured, leaning forward, dipping her hand into the pool.

“I always feel so…empty. And I feel so selfish because I have..” He stopped to correct himself, “ _had_ an amazing life with Steve yet sometimes…sometimes I would wake up and the sun would be shining and Steve’s head would be on my chest and everything seemed so perfect, but all I wanted to do was take my gun and shoot my brains out. At first I thought it was just cause everything I’ve been through ya know? But the feeling never went away, it just lingered, and suddenly I lost who I was.” Bucky stated, talking quietly.

“I'm never going to be who I was back then and I’m not a hydra drone anymore..so who am I? I thought finding Steve was my answer. I thought, Steve’s gonna love me and I’m gonna love him and that’s all that matters. But really I just pushed all my problems into the back of my mind and tried to be someone I wasn’t. And then when I started having doubts about our relationship, that’s when it got bad. I even hurt myself. I-I don’t know why I did it. Maybe to get Steve to pay attention to me for once, or probably because I just wanted to feel.. _something_.” He confessed, rolling up his sleeve, showing Natasha the slashes on his wrist. She winced slightly, taking his hand and squeezing it lightly; she looked up at him with glossy eyes.

Bucky frowned and wiped away the tears that had managed to escape Natasha's big green eyes. “Don’t cry Tasha. You never cry. Don’t cry for me.” He whispered pulling her into a hug.

The couple sat silently wrapped in each other’s embrace until the sun was finally up and they were reminded of all the problems of a new day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Front of Bucky's new house  
> 
> 
> Back of Bucky's new house  
> 


	6. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter in which Steve realizes he's not perfect and it's a downward spiral from there.  
> Also Bucky tries new things and realizes it's okay to be scared sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is under construction.  
> Also the title is Broken by Lund  
> Such a fucking sad song but it's so good

It's been two weeks. _Two long fucking weeks_ and Steve has finally given up looking for Bucky.


End file.
